Gome of the Week
Hey, that monkey's wearing pants!
Wait: this is real?
Oh no. Oh good god, no.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Super Mario Mobius Strip - This hurts my brain. But I'd also like to own it.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
That's not Craig T. Nelson!
I bought this movie after discovering a few weeks ago that the team in it is called the Stallions. Yep, that's all it takes. Of course, the word "stallion" isn't mentioned once during the course of the film. Though they do hang a sign on their away-game bus that says "Stallion Express." They also hang one on the other side that says "Winners = Stallions." So that was pretty sweet.
My wife watched this with me and she was like, "Am I supposed to know who that lady is?" And I go, "Um, ever heard of a little show called That's Incredible?" And she said, "No I haven't." And that was the end of that, because I couldn't name one other thing Crosby's done.
I think this was her big shot at movie stardom, and I'm no high-powered Hollywood producer, but testing the waters with a flick in which she bangs one of the dudes on the high school basketball team she's coaching may not have been the best move, career-wise. Even if it was Michael "Did James Cameron Call?" Biehn.
That whole coach-fucking-player scenario was made even weirder by the fact that they really drove home the "women can do anything men can do" angle with her character, even going so far as to have her cite the Equal Opportunity Employment Act when she's arguing for the coaching gig. Three days later she's tandem showering in the boy's locker room with a mouthful of point guard. You go, girl!
Other than that awkwardness, this thing was by the book, all the way down to the crusty dean who wants her to lose because she has a vagina, and a rival team that needs some payback after they give the Stallions mad shit for being coached by a woman. Would they get their chance at redemption in front of their home crowd with a pro scout there to see Biehn before he inevitably ends up as a confused, reluctant witness in his own statutory rape trial? Yes they would. Would it all come down to a single free-throw with one second remaining? Indeed. Would that shot be taken by Biehn and roll around the rim in slow-motion for a solid ten seconds before going in? No spoilers, bro.
Here's the way-too-long trailer, in which they literally show the last five seconds of the movie. Spoilers, bro!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Giorgio and Chris - Love's in You, Love's in Me (1978)
I guess it's a 1978 week this time around.
This disco-rific duo was apparently Casablanca Record's answer to The Captain and Tennille, and I say "apparently" because that's just wild speculation on my part.
But if they were looking for a swarthier version of the Captain, I think they found it in Giorgio there.
This song has six songs on it, most of which are six minutes long. Oh, the late 70's. So much cocaine and delusion. What a time to be alive. Here's "Let This Night Go On for Days." OH. I get it. Wordplay!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
toverhang - A sweet way to describe when your sandals or flip-flops are too small and your toes hang over the top of them and make you look like a goon.
Origin - Ill-fitting footwear/laziness/poverty.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Nice flip-flops.
"Dude, I still call them thongs."
"Well dude, whatever you call them, they're way too small and you're displaying some really sweet toverhang."
"Dude, thanks! You think the chicks'll be into it?"
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things I Saw in Philadelphia Last Week That Make Me Never Want to Live in Philadelphia:
10. Streets the exact width of two Le Cars
09. Parking enforcers checking meters at 10:30 at night with greedy looks on their grizzled mugs
08. A lady in a booth who needed me to give her five bucks just so I could continue driving on the fucking freeway
07. A story about a cab driver who took a grumpy on a city sidewalk
06. Amped-up locals screaming for the decapitated corpse of Derek Jeter
05. A million little pieces of Allen Iverson's shattered career, legacy, and repuation
04. Greasy dudes loitering in front of cheesesteak places - way to be a walking stereotype, guys
03. The look of disdain and disgust on the face of a young woman when I had the nerve to ask her if I could "return my rental car"
02. Not a single vegan deli within walking distance of the Liberty Bell. And I thought this was America
01. Dudes with lead pipes under their front seats, just in case they need to "claim" a parking spot
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