Gome of the Week
"Hey Ma! That Ricky Bobby feller is punchin' a baby while that queer from The Hangover watches! Grab the kids. We's goin'."
My god this movie looks shitty.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Retro Brick - "Home of the Vintage and Rare Mobile Phones." I love the internet. I'd also like a few of these phones. Just for funnin'.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Heist (2000)
A movie from the 21st century? I'm slipping. But, when you see those two grizzly mugs sharing space on the same VHS cover, there's not much you can do but sit through all 88 glorious minutes of this robbery-gone-wrong, straight-to-video gem.
Sweetening the deal: not only does this thing feature Perry and Ice, but its cast also includes Amy "I Can't Make Fun of You Because It's All Just Too Sad" Locane, David "Grandmaster B" Faustino, and the one Arquette brother who's not the cross-dressing one, but the other one that no one's heard of. I'm assuming Perry, Locane, and Faustino spent the duration of the shoot (a few afternoons, by the looks of things) talking about how sweet Fox corporate parties were in 1990, and sharing stories about what a dode Brian Austin Green was/is.
Ice-T goes out on a limb in this thing, playing a money-hungery street thug who takes pleasure in busting caps in anyone who looks at him crossways, and wouldn't you know it? He kind of pulls it off.
But the real leading man here, as usual, is Perry, who plays a just-paroled criminal who doesn't seem to give a shit about going back to jail. Dude is down for some illegal action, as you can tell from his stocking-cap/beard combo. My man's disheveled, hasn't been laid in six months, and is more than ready to blaze a joint and brandish a gun. Classic Luke Perry.
T and a few of his cronies highjack an armored truck, but a girl (Locane) sees them doing it, so they take her hostage. Their hiding spot - while they transfer the money to another vehicle and lay low - is an abandoned wherehouse, where a struggling musician (Richmond Arquette) is squatting. His brother (Perry) comes to visit him after leaving prison, and the two of them spot the robbers, then the girl, and decide they've got to do something: free the girl, steal the money - maybe both.
Faustino and this other dude play wannabe gangstas, hired by one of T's crew to bust in and help him kill the other dudes so they can take all the money. It doesn't make any sense for a ton of reasons, but whatever. It brings all these goons into one space, with a gang of guns and like 4 milliion in cash. Shit goes haywire, guns start blazing, and Perry cracks wise like a champ. I was enraptured.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Audiophile Records - Echoes of the Storm (1956)
Some lunatics recorded a storm in Milwaukee in 1952, condensed it down to about 15 minutes, and turned it into the entire A-side of an LP. The B-side features recordings of a rotary saw, a hammer driving nails, water dripping into a bucket, some bongo drums, and a music box.
There is also a lengthy discussion on the back about the controversial decision to sacrifice quality and press this thing up at 33 1/3, even going so far as to apologize for the degredation in sound. Ah, the audio nerds of old. Much respect due.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead, you totally fucked me there. - A sweet way to tell someone that they just screwed you over.
Origin - BASEketball.
Usage - "Oh, dude. That burrito in the fridge was really good."
"Dude, that was my dinner. Thanks a lot Dr. Dickhead, you totally fucked me there."
"Dude, would you like it if I replaced your burrito?"
"Dude, I would, but things may never be the same between us. You have hurt me and broken my trust."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Reasons You Wear Your Sunglasses Backward On Your Head:
10. You are an insatiable mega-dode
09. It creates an optical illusion that wows any and all passers-by
08. It's tough to hang them on the collar of your shirt when you're not wearing one
07. You are the sweetest bro who ever sweeted
06. You want me to drop-kick the back of your skull, so as not to get blood in your goatee
05. You saw Guy Fieri do it, and there's no way that guy's a sack wrangler
04. That way you can see chicks ignoring you from the front and the back
03. With a name like Oakley stamped on the side, you're gonna wanna flaunt that as much as possible
02. It's a great conversation ender
01. So you can reach back and feel your last shred of dignity slipping away
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