Gome of the Week
And I thought the cover of their last record was stupid looking.
Perry's entering punchline territory. But that's cool, because I bet Navarro wouldn't mind the company.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Stage Diver Hits Rock Bottom - It's funny because he didn't sever his spinal cord.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface (2000)
A couple years ago I watched a movie called Jack O'Lantern and was floored by the fact that it had been mass-produced and was available to rent at a video store because it was high-school-project-level shitty. This movie - which still has the Blockbuster stickers on it - may have Mr. O'Lantern beat for assiest flick to ever make its way into a major retail chain.
I'm just going to say it: I've seen VHS-shot pornos with better production values, steadier cameras, and longer running times. I would be flat-out shocked if this movie wasn't shot in one day. And yes, I mean "day," because though it's a slasher flick, the whole thing takes place in broad daylight.
But, with a movie like this, shot entirely on video and featuring a villain in a storebought mask that is still widely available at most major retailers during the Halloween season, you can't really expect them to deal with the hassles of shooting at night. They do some interior shots in a van during this thing and you can barely see what's going on. So clearly midnight location shooting wasn't an option.
The basic story here is that four college students need to take pictures for their photography class, so they go out to the desert and get briefly chased and unrealistically macheted up by Quiltface, a monster with no real backstory who dresses in coveralls. At one point one of the guys gets trapped in a trailer by some fat old guy who appears to be in cahoots with Quiltface. That's about all that happens. And they seem to have only one go-to special effect, which is a machete with a half-oval removed from it, so they can hold it on someone and it looks like they've been hacked. One of the guys takes it through the skull and then gets back up a few minutes later.
My favorite part of this movie was that it was an hour and ten minutes long. It was a brutal 70 minutes, but I powered it out. My other favorite part was when the director, before the movie started, introduced it as Carnage: The Legend of Quiltface, and then when the movie started rolling 10 seconds later the title came up as Carnage Road. But, I rarely watch movies for the Waste that don't have at least two titles. Seriously.
I can't find the trailer for this thing, but there's a collage of clips here. Should give you an idea of what I went through.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Eddie Dunstedter - Pipes and Power (196?)
Dunstedter, you smooth sonofabitch.
If you prowl the bargain bins like I do, you know that there were hundreds of LPs from the 50's and 60's that celebrated the organ, and a lot of them focused on bragging about the monstrosity upon which the songs were played.
This one's no different, with Eddie having had the honor of sitting down at the "24-rank Robert Morton pipe organ, located in the Lorin Whitney Studio, Glendale, California." The back of the LP then goes onto to describe how badass the contraption is.
Because when you're banging out jams like "The Man I Love," you're going to need a big organ. Hiyooooo!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Bad Idea Jeans - A sweet way to describe an idea that's worse than bad.
Origin - SNL, 1990ish.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This new Coldplay record is changing the way I feel about life. I think I"m going to get some of the lyrics tattooed on my lower back."
"Dude, that is a bad idea."
"Dude, I think it might be a good idea."
"Dude, that is Bad Idea Jeans."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning the GOP Nomination for President:
10. Your hair is conspicuously un-helmet-like
09. Your fundraising campaign involves a "no reasonable offer refused" sale on your 12-year-old Pontiac
08. Your catchphrase, "Fuck it, I'm running," doesn't seem to be gaining traction
07. You think protecting our borders is important, but you're more concerned about why the new Charlie's Angels didn't work out
06. It's no secret: you start every day with a cool, refreshing glass of paint thinner
05. You keep failing to make the all-important connection between gay marriage and dudes making out with equine animals
04. You've been criticized for being too topical, too coherent
03. Presently only carrying two firearms, and one of 'em's just for show
02. You're pro-life, as long as no one asks your mistresses about it
01. Your name is synonymous with butt juice
Cancel One Career