Gome of the Week
Chris Dudley would like to be your new governer, Oregon.
Wisely, he's not playing up his time with the Blazers in his campaign ads.
"Portland fans: remember that one time we were playing the Cavs in 1995 and I pulled down six boards and scored four points in 38 minutes? Yeah, we lost that one, but you won't lose if you make me your next governer!"
Nice try, Duds.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Rockin' Robin's Wrestling Figures - Man, I love sites like this. Detailed photos, well organized, and a nice layout. And now I know that there's a Big Boss Man keychain out there somewhere. Thanks for the link, Fargo.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Dark Planet (1996)
After directing Purple Rain and Tango & Cash, this seems like the next logical step, right? A low-budget semi-political space thriller with shit special effects? Many a Hollywood career has been solidified with this formula, if I'm not mistaken. What an odd, odd career the director of this flick has had. And what a bad, bad movie this was.
If you follow this site, you know that I will watch anything. And you also know that I can find something enjoyable in almost any film I see. Folks, I think I finally met my match. This movie couldn't just leave it at being terrible. It also had to be excrutiatingly boring. If I were capable of falling asleep during movies, I would have nodded off hard during this one. Instead, I was forced to try and keep up with a story that I barely understood, featuring characters that no one could possibly care about.
Again: this is nothing new. In fact, it's the cornerstone of all the movies that used to collect dust in video rental stores. And I love those movies. BUT - also a cornerstone of those movies: nudity and/or violence. And that's where this one screwed me. No nudity, and just a few lifeless laser battles. Sure, the main bad guy got torched by the engines of a launching satellite at the end, but the special effects were so bad that I couldn't even laugh when the guy's skin sloughed off his body. Because there was no sloughing. Robbed. And I really wanted nothing more than to see Michael York melt. He had it coming for making me listen to him give stale space commands for 90 minutes. We get it: you're telling your underlings how to steer the ship. Jesus.
You know those sci-fi movies where they have no budget, so everything is super dark the whole time to mask the fact that they keep reusing the same sets over and over (or so my theory goes)? This was one of those. Couldn't see a goddamn thing during the whole picture. It wouldn't have made a difference. This thing never had a chance. Prince. Stallone. York. What?
Watch the trailer here, if you dare.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Laff Records - Hey Baby, It's The Crepitation Contest (196?)
No Sh*t! I don't know a whole lot about how this all worked, but back in the 50's and 60's, there were things called "party records" that were put out by less-than-reputable record labels. They were "for adults only," and were often Redd Foxx-type stand-up albums. This record is from a label that specialized in those kinds of "blue" artists (see other Laff releases here), but this is a bootleg of what is apparently a famous audio recording (done in a studio by some jokers) that surfaced sometime in the late 40's, and has been released many times in many different forms.
The gist: It's a farting contest, staged to sound like a boxing match. And it is one of the strangest things I've ever heard. The other side of the LP contains stand-up from a couple of comedians simply called "Potts & Panzy," which, I assure you, is offensive for more reasons than one.
I found this record in a store and I couldn't pass it up. On the back there's a photo of a roll of toilet paper with some liner notes about the "contest," with the subtitle, "The Power of Positive Stinking." Now you've got yourself a party.
More info and the complete audio are here. No Sh*t!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
huggin' more girls than Béla Károlyi - A sweet way to classify a dude who's good with the ladies.
Origin - Sir Mix-A-Lot, before he started being terrible.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Bro patrol was in full effect last night. I was trying to get my 'roke on, and these dudes would just not stop broing out."
"Dude, that is weak. Were the 'roke ho's giving you the Heisman?"
"Dude, shut your pie hole. You know that will never happen."
"Dude, I apologize. I know full well that you are constantly and consistently huggin' more girls than Béla Károlyi."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things To Do While Naked And On PCP:
10. Wear a length of garden hose as a low-slung belt
09. Offer to babysit the panda bear that's in your neighbor's backyard and is actually a drug-induced halluncination
08. Either jump through a plate-glass window or try to fly off the top of a building - the choice is yours, but it wouldn't be a PCP jaunt if you didn't try one of 'em
07. Try to calm those jittery nerves by chugging a little Windex
06. Ask if anyone needs their taxes done, lightning-quick and in chicken scratch
05. Teach yourself to play the Zither until it's covered in chunks of your fingers
04. Style your hair with your own scrotum sweat
03. If it's a Saturday, hit up Costco for the free samples and a quick arrest
02. Wallpaper your floors
01. Put on a Dokken record and just pound your wang with a mallet - you've earned it
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